Late to the game, but we have corresponded about some of this, and more, relating to my relationship with my Dad. I'm not brave enough (yet?) to go as deeply into the subject as you have in this essay. But there was a similar arc in the evolution of my connection (and for years, lack thereof), with my father. Jack, as his friends called him, was smart, hardworking, funny, good with numbers (something I inherited, but only up to a point). But when I was growing up all of that was overshadowed by the fact that he was an alcoholic -- gruff, angry, unreliable, drifting in and out of our lives only to come roaring back, on the attack, to reinsert himself in our lives. Only when I was much older was I able to reflect on the fact that alcoholism is a disorder, not a personal failing; and to have empathy for all my Dad went through -- his father left his family went Jack was two years old; Jack was raised mostly by his aunt and uncle while his mother did double shifts as a nurse during the depression; and he was so traumatized by his service in the Pacific during World War II that he was released into a psychiatric hospital, where he stayed for about a year until he was released to come home. I knew little of any of this when I was growing up -- I just thought he hated me, and the feeling was mutual. But when he was in his 60s, about the age I am now, he managed to stop drinking,. He was clearer, less angry, more sympathetic. He connected with me when I wrote my first book, both as a proud father and someone who "got" what I was trying to convey -- a big leap for a guy who had been a Goldwater Republican in the 1964 elections. So, in short, we managed to make peace and connect, albeit late in the game. But not too late, which has made a huge difference for me.
Gordon a truly beautiful tribute. You're father clearly touched you deeply and it was profound as an outsider to get a sense of it. Courage to you in your own personal struggles to be a better dad and more loving person. You are a deep fellow who has a lot to give. Much love, brother.
Learned things I didn’t know about him… and you. I remember seeing you during your layover in Denver., just having returned from your dad’s funeral. You looked shell shocked and kept expelling bursts of air, like in exasperation. And confusion. Years later, you have turned those feelings into elegant loving prose.
Magnifique texte Gordon. Oui, nos parents sont imparfaits et être parent est une tâche difficile et compliquée. Nous n'apprenons pas (à l'école ou dans les livres) à être parent, ça vient (ou pas) en avançant. Mais en même temps être parent nous remplit jusqu'à la fin de notre vie... Merci Gordon car ce texte fait aussi réfléchir sur ses propres parents. Love to you.
Jun 20, 2022·edited Jun 20, 2022Liked by Gordon Adams
Gordon, this is brave, profoundly self-aware, and broadly insightful. What your parents went through and put you through no doubt gave all of you a bit of PTSD. Coming out when they did in that environment was courageous. Saying fuck you to everyone--this is who I am--is an impressive achievement. That's another thing you got from them.
It takes nearly superhuman effort not to repeat as a parent the flaws of our parents' parenting. We have to understand those flaws before we are parents. I was lucky. My parents withheld approval, as yours did. When I was 21, we had a blowup over that. I vowed then not to repeat what they had done. Fortunately, my kids, whom I had in my 40s, did a lot of things worth praising, and I let them know that. Of course, I made mistakes that were different from my parents' mistakes. I only hope my kids will understand and avoid them.
One other thing, since you were a professor (mine, thank God), I want to bring up some studies. There's a debate on the effect of parenting on children. Today's parents cringe at every perceived flub, thinking they have ruined their children for life. In the 90s, a woman who had been a child psychology text editor had an epiphany: everything in the text books about the influence of parents was wrong. She noted studies of kids from different families adopted by the same parents who turned out quite differently. And then there were studies of twins separated at birth, raised by different parents, who ended up quite similar. The parenting seemed to have little impact. The pendulum then swung from all nature to nature and nurture. But there was an important third element: peers. Why is it that children of immigrants have no accent? They pick up the way their friends speak. Parents can have an effect on peers, making sure kids don't hang out with the wrong crowd, but peers matter. My cousin is a clinical psychologist with a PhD and has been practicing for four decades. I asked her for her take, and she thinks genetics accounts for 40% and parents and peers for 30% each. It's hard to distinguish what you got from your parental environment and what you got from your parents' genes.
My father was also a university professor. This sentence could have been about him: “ Reason, and only reason, was the way to relate to the world.”. At any rate, that was the face he presented to the world and to his kids. My sense is that he found emotions confusing and unreliable. I learned that emotions could be not only confusing, but also dangerous.
Hi Gordon. I liked reading your essay and it made me think of my own experience with my father and as a father. My dad, like yours, kept a lot to himself. It made me want to take the opposite road with my own kids. But I also think it's hard for us to understand what it was like to go through the years of the Great Depression and World War II. As a child of the 60s, my world was one of prosperity and everything opening up to a world of possibilities. I'm sure there's was a world of scarcity, danger and a struggle for survival. So I suspect that the world they grew up in and the world we grew up in have almost no touchstones in common. And there are no roadmaps for how to grow up and be your truest self. It's so dependent on your upbringing, the times you live in and all the experiences that shape your journey to adulthood. And once you arrive at that place, you're still growing and changing throughout your days.
If somebody put up a job description of what was required to be a parent, probably no one would apply.
Happy father's day to you and all the other fathers. And to mothers too. For without them, where would we be?
Gordon, this is beautifully written. I am in awe of your deep father insights--into your father and your own fatherhood. As they say in est--thank you for sharing. Much love to you.
Late to the game, but we have corresponded about some of this, and more, relating to my relationship with my Dad. I'm not brave enough (yet?) to go as deeply into the subject as you have in this essay. But there was a similar arc in the evolution of my connection (and for years, lack thereof), with my father. Jack, as his friends called him, was smart, hardworking, funny, good with numbers (something I inherited, but only up to a point). But when I was growing up all of that was overshadowed by the fact that he was an alcoholic -- gruff, angry, unreliable, drifting in and out of our lives only to come roaring back, on the attack, to reinsert himself in our lives. Only when I was much older was I able to reflect on the fact that alcoholism is a disorder, not a personal failing; and to have empathy for all my Dad went through -- his father left his family went Jack was two years old; Jack was raised mostly by his aunt and uncle while his mother did double shifts as a nurse during the depression; and he was so traumatized by his service in the Pacific during World War II that he was released into a psychiatric hospital, where he stayed for about a year until he was released to come home. I knew little of any of this when I was growing up -- I just thought he hated me, and the feeling was mutual. But when he was in his 60s, about the age I am now, he managed to stop drinking,. He was clearer, less angry, more sympathetic. He connected with me when I wrote my first book, both as a proud father and someone who "got" what I was trying to convey -- a big leap for a guy who had been a Goldwater Republican in the 1964 elections. So, in short, we managed to make peace and connect, albeit late in the game. But not too late, which has made a huge difference for me.
Gordon a truly beautiful tribute. You're father clearly touched you deeply and it was profound as an outsider to get a sense of it. Courage to you in your own personal struggles to be a better dad and more loving person. You are a deep fellow who has a lot to give. Much love, brother.
Learned things I didn’t know about him… and you. I remember seeing you during your layover in Denver., just having returned from your dad’s funeral. You looked shell shocked and kept expelling bursts of air, like in exasperation. And confusion. Years later, you have turned those feelings into elegant loving prose.
Magnifique texte Gordon. Oui, nos parents sont imparfaits et être parent est une tâche difficile et compliquée. Nous n'apprenons pas (à l'école ou dans les livres) à être parent, ça vient (ou pas) en avançant. Mais en même temps être parent nous remplit jusqu'à la fin de notre vie... Merci Gordon car ce texte fait aussi réfléchir sur ses propres parents. Love to you.
Beautiful tribute, Gordon!
Gordon, this is brave, profoundly self-aware, and broadly insightful. What your parents went through and put you through no doubt gave all of you a bit of PTSD. Coming out when they did in that environment was courageous. Saying fuck you to everyone--this is who I am--is an impressive achievement. That's another thing you got from them.
It takes nearly superhuman effort not to repeat as a parent the flaws of our parents' parenting. We have to understand those flaws before we are parents. I was lucky. My parents withheld approval, as yours did. When I was 21, we had a blowup over that. I vowed then not to repeat what they had done. Fortunately, my kids, whom I had in my 40s, did a lot of things worth praising, and I let them know that. Of course, I made mistakes that were different from my parents' mistakes. I only hope my kids will understand and avoid them.
One other thing, since you were a professor (mine, thank God), I want to bring up some studies. There's a debate on the effect of parenting on children. Today's parents cringe at every perceived flub, thinking they have ruined their children for life. In the 90s, a woman who had been a child psychology text editor had an epiphany: everything in the text books about the influence of parents was wrong. She noted studies of kids from different families adopted by the same parents who turned out quite differently. And then there were studies of twins separated at birth, raised by different parents, who ended up quite similar. The parenting seemed to have little impact. The pendulum then swung from all nature to nature and nurture. But there was an important third element: peers. Why is it that children of immigrants have no accent? They pick up the way their friends speak. Parents can have an effect on peers, making sure kids don't hang out with the wrong crowd, but peers matter. My cousin is a clinical psychologist with a PhD and has been practicing for four decades. I asked her for her take, and she thinks genetics accounts for 40% and parents and peers for 30% each. It's hard to distinguish what you got from your parental environment and what you got from your parents' genes.
Happy Father's Day.
Stan
Like it very much Gordon.
My father was also a university professor. This sentence could have been about him: “ Reason, and only reason, was the way to relate to the world.”. At any rate, that was the face he presented to the world and to his kids. My sense is that he found emotions confusing and unreliable. I learned that emotions could be not only confusing, but also dangerous.
Well done. I cringe at the Hallmark stuff. Life is so much more complicated, like the way you see it—the mixed bag that it is.
Hi Gordon. I liked reading your essay and it made me think of my own experience with my father and as a father. My dad, like yours, kept a lot to himself. It made me want to take the opposite road with my own kids. But I also think it's hard for us to understand what it was like to go through the years of the Great Depression and World War II. As a child of the 60s, my world was one of prosperity and everything opening up to a world of possibilities. I'm sure there's was a world of scarcity, danger and a struggle for survival. So I suspect that the world they grew up in and the world we grew up in have almost no touchstones in common. And there are no roadmaps for how to grow up and be your truest self. It's so dependent on your upbringing, the times you live in and all the experiences that shape your journey to adulthood. And once you arrive at that place, you're still growing and changing throughout your days.
If somebody put up a job description of what was required to be a parent, probably no one would apply.
Happy father's day to you and all the other fathers. And to mothers too. For without them, where would we be?
Gordon, this is beautifully written. I am in awe of your deep father insights--into your father and your own fatherhood. As they say in est--thank you for sharing. Much love to you.