Great writing Abby. Yes, one must choose consciously how they are willing to embrace and respect others. Thank you for this piece. I hope more folks like Bruce have a chance to read it.
You are bringing up several interconnected issues: the historical and anthropological story of gender and sexual fluidity
And
How does language change.
I absolutely agree that gender and sexual fluidity have always existed.
I don't know when gender became so rigidly defined. It is tragic that it became such a binary argument.
I absolutely agree that everything is on a spectrum. Even though we tend to want to categorize as if categorization is the only way to bring order to chaos, life is not easily organized.
And
Language makes a difference.
As you pointed out some languages have never had gender specific pronouns. Others have multiple pronouns. The etiology of how one language developed in one direction and another language developed in contrast is a question I have no answer to. Perhaps someone has studied this.
And language is fluid. It changes from one way of describing something to another way.
Take the way women have been addressed through our history: Mistress, Mrs., Miss, and Ms. The connotations of the various titles have also changed. ( read New Republic article When 'Mistress' Meant 'Mrs.' and 'Miss' Meant 'Prostitute'
Women in modern English speaking countries fought for the right to have their marital status kept private as was men's. Coming out of a history where women were expected to be stay at home mothers or teachers, nurses or secretaries, this bold move to keep their identity focused not on their marital status but rather on their capabilities is a long fought battle. The women of the womens' movement fought hard to implement the change from Mrs/Miss to Ms.
At first it was awkward and clumsy to refer to women as Ms. Now it is standard.
My connection to the argument for changing how we use pronouns is that the idea of introducing ourselves by preferred pronouns is very new. The idea that when meeting someone it should be standard to ask "how do you identify" is not even a generation old. Or even introducing ourselves by our name and pronoun preferences should be standard. I am a staunch LGBTQIA ally and I only began to have conversations about gender identity and pronoun preferences about 10 years ago. Even though it is deeply part of the LGBTQIA community, like the women's lib movement, the discussions and debates are somewhat limited to within the community.
As with the women's lib movement there was deep prejudicial antagonism from traditionalists.
I have faith, that, with time, it will become normal to identify our preferred pronouns. And
this is a beginning and having conversations like this is vital, it will take time for people to make the shift.
Happening in Tel Aviv this month (reported in Haaretz English Edition, Mar 24, 2024)
"In the last decade, transgender people have become the most persecuted LGBTQ subgroup in the West, tormented by right-wingers and loathsome opinion makers. While public expressions of homophobia have become a clear faux pas, transphobia has become an acceptable form of hatred against a minority. That makes International Transgender Day of Visibility, which will be celebrated around the world on March 31, all the more important.
"All day on March 28, the Tel Aviv Cinematheque will be showing movies on the trans experience. This will include films such as the documentary "Who I Am Not" on two South African intersex people on a voyage of self-discovery, the 2022 Korean drama "Peafowl" on a transgender dancer in Seoul dealing with her father's death, the 2023 American drama "Mutt" on a day in the life of a trans man in New York City, and the 2023 Polish-Swedish drama "Woman Of…" on a father who experiences gender dysphoria.
"Also this month, the new Hebrew-language website Maayan will be providing free resources for parents of children on the gender spectrum with insightful translated documents, research, guides and Q&As."
So very cool. The “othering” discussion is especially important. Trans people are not an “other;” they are part of the whole experience of humanity. Thanks for this.
This is an exciting and informative essay. Question: Why is Queer capitalized while trans, male, etc., are not. Also, What does the letter A stand for in the string LGBTI, etc.? Asexual? Last, you explain 2S, yet what is the + following it? This post is easy for me to read and has credibility. Why? You are speaking from your own lived experience. When you post about area code +972, you lose me. Why? You are writing about events, personalities, histories, narratives, diets, occupations, preoccupations, traditions, and languages beyond your or your ancestors' lived experiences.
What the plus indicates is an openness to further discovery of Queer identities. My sense is that Queer is capitalized the way Black is, now officially, in the NYTimes writing guide - recognition and respect for a minority that has historically been unrecognized. Not sure why you call up the Dallas area code. I would not write about Dallas in the personal vein; I have only ever been to the airport. Maybe I am missing something.
Bruce: thanks for the reply. You raise important questions. Most important here is to assume nothing. It really is not about assumptions, in fact; it is about the opposite of assuming - safety, respect, and awareness, as I write in the piece. I agree totally; this is hard to do because it is about change. The older I get, the harder change becomes. And yet, people like me have been forced for centuries to live in the closet because of the "assumption" that the world is binary, there are only men and women and that's that. So the bottom line is NOT to assume, but to ask, mindfully, "how do you prefer to be referred to." Or act on the presumption that you do not know, and neither does the other person know about you. Offer up your own sense of gender, "Hi, I'm Bruce, I go by he/him." Let the other person self-identify. That's pretty simple. And we all make mistakes; I was socialized in Chico and life to the binary; I sometimes mis-pronoun my own child, who is a "they/them" non-binary person. More often than not, their child, my grandson, who is six, says to me "Papa is a they/them)." Not as an admonishment; as a simple correction, reminder. It's about respecting people's identity in a new and changing world. So thanks for the continuing dialogue. With respect, Abby.
So true, Bruce. As you know, my brother is gay and was in Chico. But what I am writing about is gender, not sexuality. It was hard enough for gays to win acceptance and inclusion and in lots of the country (not all) that battle is largely won. Gender identity is about how one sees and presents oneself, one's own gender. We need allies like you, who can see, respect, accept, and include the difference. Pronouns are an important part of that acceptance, that welcome. When we can all accept that gender is a spectrum, a continuum of many realities, that effort can be won, too. Thanks for taking this very seriously.
Great writing Abby. Yes, one must choose consciously how they are willing to embrace and respect others. Thank you for this piece. I hope more folks like Bruce have a chance to read it.
Jo she/her
You are bringing up several interconnected issues: the historical and anthropological story of gender and sexual fluidity
And
How does language change.
I absolutely agree that gender and sexual fluidity have always existed.
I don't know when gender became so rigidly defined. It is tragic that it became such a binary argument.
I absolutely agree that everything is on a spectrum. Even though we tend to want to categorize as if categorization is the only way to bring order to chaos, life is not easily organized.
And
Language makes a difference.
As you pointed out some languages have never had gender specific pronouns. Others have multiple pronouns. The etiology of how one language developed in one direction and another language developed in contrast is a question I have no answer to. Perhaps someone has studied this.
And language is fluid. It changes from one way of describing something to another way.
Take the way women have been addressed through our history: Mistress, Mrs., Miss, and Ms. The connotations of the various titles have also changed. ( read New Republic article When 'Mistress' Meant 'Mrs.' and 'Miss' Meant 'Prostitute'
https://newrepublic.com/article/119432/history-female-titles-mistress-miss-mrs-or-ms)
Women in modern English speaking countries fought for the right to have their marital status kept private as was men's. Coming out of a history where women were expected to be stay at home mothers or teachers, nurses or secretaries, this bold move to keep their identity focused not on their marital status but rather on their capabilities is a long fought battle. The women of the womens' movement fought hard to implement the change from Mrs/Miss to Ms.
At first it was awkward and clumsy to refer to women as Ms. Now it is standard.
My connection to the argument for changing how we use pronouns is that the idea of introducing ourselves by preferred pronouns is very new. The idea that when meeting someone it should be standard to ask "how do you identify" is not even a generation old. Or even introducing ourselves by our name and pronoun preferences should be standard. I am a staunch LGBTQIA ally and I only began to have conversations about gender identity and pronoun preferences about 10 years ago. Even though it is deeply part of the LGBTQIA community, like the women's lib movement, the discussions and debates are somewhat limited to within the community.
As with the women's lib movement there was deep prejudicial antagonism from traditionalists.
I have faith, that, with time, it will become normal to identify our preferred pronouns. And
this is a beginning and having conversations like this is vital, it will take time for people to make the shift.
Thank you for writing this clear and informative piece in favor of sharing pronouns!
Happening in Tel Aviv this month (reported in Haaretz English Edition, Mar 24, 2024)
"In the last decade, transgender people have become the most persecuted LGBTQ subgroup in the West, tormented by right-wingers and loathsome opinion makers. While public expressions of homophobia have become a clear faux pas, transphobia has become an acceptable form of hatred against a minority. That makes International Transgender Day of Visibility, which will be celebrated around the world on March 31, all the more important.
"All day on March 28, the Tel Aviv Cinematheque will be showing movies on the trans experience. This will include films such as the documentary "Who I Am Not" on two South African intersex people on a voyage of self-discovery, the 2022 Korean drama "Peafowl" on a transgender dancer in Seoul dealing with her father's death, the 2023 American drama "Mutt" on a day in the life of a trans man in New York City, and the 2023 Polish-Swedish drama "Woman Of…" on a father who experiences gender dysphoria.
"Also this month, the new Hebrew-language website Maayan will be providing free resources for parents of children on the gender spectrum with insightful translated documents, research, guides and Q&As."
Badly needed and very welcome. Thanks, Tamar.
I learned this today about my transestors!
https://youtu.be/lWNZSPelBYk?si=1saITSrzxUOdWFok
So very cool. The “othering” discussion is especially important. Trans people are not an “other;” they are part of the whole experience of humanity. Thanks for this.
This is an exciting and informative essay. Question: Why is Queer capitalized while trans, male, etc., are not. Also, What does the letter A stand for in the string LGBTI, etc.? Asexual? Last, you explain 2S, yet what is the + following it? This post is easy for me to read and has credibility. Why? You are speaking from your own lived experience. When you post about area code +972, you lose me. Why? You are writing about events, personalities, histories, narratives, diets, occupations, preoccupations, traditions, and languages beyond your or your ancestors' lived experiences.
What the plus indicates is an openness to further discovery of Queer identities. My sense is that Queer is capitalized the way Black is, now officially, in the NYTimes writing guide - recognition and respect for a minority that has historically been unrecognized. Not sure why you call up the Dallas area code. I would not write about Dallas in the personal vein; I have only ever been to the airport. Maybe I am missing something.
Sorry, I should have written country code, not area code—silly.
Silly me, not you :-)
Tel Aviv Trans Center (Hebrew, Arabic, English options)
https://www.transcenter.org.il/en?fbclid=IwAR1iXq-cXUmkbG1U6w5Jc8OLPNdtVruf722d4D7xNsdx7FyEEWBSH_AiGlM_aem_AZRwvIYiehIx6eOtVcOhvuSzZ2t41kjsU7gbMJ1SzgNIMCLHBw0SBwa_wqpwLnqUnhalZoLxMmgTjO4kOPaeRNZd
Bruce: thanks for the reply. You raise important questions. Most important here is to assume nothing. It really is not about assumptions, in fact; it is about the opposite of assuming - safety, respect, and awareness, as I write in the piece. I agree totally; this is hard to do because it is about change. The older I get, the harder change becomes. And yet, people like me have been forced for centuries to live in the closet because of the "assumption" that the world is binary, there are only men and women and that's that. So the bottom line is NOT to assume, but to ask, mindfully, "how do you prefer to be referred to." Or act on the presumption that you do not know, and neither does the other person know about you. Offer up your own sense of gender, "Hi, I'm Bruce, I go by he/him." Let the other person self-identify. That's pretty simple. And we all make mistakes; I was socialized in Chico and life to the binary; I sometimes mis-pronoun my own child, who is a "they/them" non-binary person. More often than not, their child, my grandson, who is six, says to me "Papa is a they/them)." Not as an admonishment; as a simple correction, reminder. It's about respecting people's identity in a new and changing world. So thanks for the continuing dialogue. With respect, Abby.
Re: my grandson, who is six, says to me "Papa is a they/them)."
How sweet and like a child. Mostly innocent and unbiased (when raised that way).
Beautiful, actually.
So true, Bruce. As you know, my brother is gay and was in Chico. But what I am writing about is gender, not sexuality. It was hard enough for gays to win acceptance and inclusion and in lots of the country (not all) that battle is largely won. Gender identity is about how one sees and presents oneself, one's own gender. We need allies like you, who can see, respect, accept, and include the difference. Pronouns are an important part of that acceptance, that welcome. When we can all accept that gender is a spectrum, a continuum of many realities, that effort can be won, too. Thanks for taking this very seriously.
Exactly the audience I want to reach, Bruce. Age is no excuse!!
Language changes.
Change is hard. But necessary.
Your post was about how you feel about gender fluidity and the personalized use of pronouns.
You are right. It is confusing.
But that doesn't mean it shouldn't happen because you want your pronouns to stay the same.
It's a matter of respect and dignity. You wouldn't refer to your wife/girlfriend as your mistress. But historically it would have been appropriate.
I respect your stating what is true for you. It takes courage to do that.
But your discomfort is simply your own tiny piece of a whole complex social reality.
Here is an article about how language changes.
https://newrepublic.com/article/119432/history-female-titles-mistress-miss-mrs-or-ms